My experience having premature twins – Layla’s story

I gave birth and my arms were empty, my heart still feels heavy when I think about the day Lily and Amelia entered the world.

My experience having premature babies...

It wasn’t the magical day I had always dreamt of, I didn’t sit up after giving birth for that perfect family snap. Instead, I was thrown into the crazy world of NICU as the girls were immediately whizzed across to the stabilisation room.

Were they breathing? Will I ever meet them? What if only one of them makes it? It’s all my fault, why couldn’t my body carry them to full-term? These are just a few of the thoughts that looped around my head on the morning of 18 July 2020 when my daughters were delivered 9 weeks early via emergency c-section weighing 1354g (Lily) and 910g (Amelia).

Following a high risk pregnancy I knew my birth was going to be unpredictable, but I never imagined rushing to hospital with reduced movements. I thought I knew what prematurity was – just a baby born a few weeks early right?!

Oh, I was so wrong, so, so wrong.

My feelings were mixed and conflicting, to this day I still haven’t figured them out. On one hand I was super happy and grateful but on the other scared, powerless and guilty. Sure, we have all heard of premature birth but there isn’t enough awareness to prepare parents for what awaits them in NICU should they find themselves there.

Lily was intubated during her first moments of life, a tube was placed down her throat to aid her breathing until she was able to breathe alone. We had to wait seven hours to meet our daughters, to our distraught they were covered in numerous wires and eye masks with machines bleeping all around.

No matter how many times I watched the girls have their bloods taken, a cannula or feeding tube fitted, it never got easier – it was a distressing experience each and every time. Amelia had an open duct in her heart which needed surgically closing at Great Ormond Street

Our 88 day stay in NICU was no easy ride.

There were times we truly never knew if we would be going home with both babies. They have both faced medical obstacles most don’t in a lifetime. Thank you to the NHS - you stood by our side, taught us how to be parents to premature babies and nurtured them to safety.

I could write a book about my premature birth and the horrific challenges we faced. There is no right or wrong way to feel but what we shouldn’t do as mothers is blame ourselves.

You being beside your baby is enough, they will feel your touch and be comforted by the sound of your voice. You didn’t fail, what you had to step up and do requires a different level of strength and courage.

Be gentle with yourself, it’s really magical what the female body can do – I knew Amelia’s movements had reduced and I was right, there’s things only you can do as their mum and they can’t be taken away from you.